Afraid to be embarrassed

August 7, 2010

Many find me weird (and some think I’m just acting up or trying to look cute) when I say I am shy to talk in public or even in front of people who I don’t call friends.    It is ironic because I am a teacher.  But then, I reason out, in the classroom my mind is set to help students; therefore, it is not a truly embarrassing situation.   At times, I still get nervous when I enter the classroom but it is because of my self-expectations rather than the thought of being embarrassed.

Pondering over the paradox of my own personality, I think my childhood had a lot to do with my fear of being embarrassed.   When I was a kid wanting to play with the neighbourhood kids, my grandmother, for a reason I would never know, forbade me to go out to play.  Being a kid, I would sneak out while she took siesta.   Being a kid, too, I would forget the time and fail to go back to pretend I never went out at all.   She would then chase me out with a broom in her hand and a loud booming voice the entire neighbourhood probably heard.   I was a kid then but I cried not only because of the pain from being beaten but more because of shame from being scolded in front of my playmates. 

I’m a mature woman now with two kids yet the same fears haunt me.  I grew up loving my lola despite the things she did but I think the fear of being embarrassed persisted.   Even though I am all grown up and more accepting of things, subjecting myself to a situation where it is highly possible I might be embarrassed is still one big challenge for me.  

 

Reflections from the balcony

August 2, 2010

Before we moved into a condo unit from a congested residential area,   I had doubts whether condo living would be good for us.    We researched, and everything we read told us only one thing:  condo living isn’t for raising a family.  

 

But Typhoon Ondoy came and without much thought on other things but practical reasons, like distance to our daughter’s school, we moved into a condo unit.

 

Now, almost a year after we moved in, I can say that whatever they said about condo living and its disadvantages doesn’t apply to us.  We’re happy living in a condo.  Our life in a box ,as I fondly call our simple abode, is just fit for our lifestyle.

 

Personally, what I love the most about our little box is its majestic view.  I used to have dreams about escaping by running on roofs.  Now I dream of many twinkling stars.   Those stars are actually lamp posts in nearby cities.   Though I miss my relatives in my old neighborhood whom I can call for help anytime and share food with on Sundays,   I enjoy just looking from above, in the balcony of our condo unit, observing people on the streets– clueless that there’s someone like me who both care and not care that they do exist and why they are on that particular spot of the earth.  

 

I like it too that we sleep soundly at night without being annoyed by our neighbors celebrating whatever occasion, singing videoke all night long.   Its version in our condo is the sound of motorcycles and cars speeding along the almost empty highway at dawn.   We like our condo’s noise rather than our neighbor’s who-the-hell-cares-if-you-cant-sleep-at-all celebration.     

 

I like that my daughters do not need to pass by a street with half-naked men playing cara y cruz or drinking gin or a group of gossiping women carrying kids or a group of kids playing rough, uncaring if they could bump into anyone. 

 

I like it that when I go home from shopping,  there are no people staring at me like they’re security personnel checking how many bags of grocery I bought. 

 

I like it that I do not have to feel obliged to smile at people when I go out of the house in the morning or when I go home from work.  

 

In short,   condo living is so much me.   It enables me to do what I want without caring about other people yet be caring enough not to disturb people who don’t care about me at all.  That my kids can swim everyday and go to the nearest mall at whim is only a bonus. 

 

We haven’t decided yet if we’re moving back to a residential area when our rent contract expires.  I wouldn’t resist another change in our lives but one thing is sure, I’d miss this kind of freedom condo living affords me. 

     

Must it always be Sinigang? =)

As I was preparing the table for lunch, I told Iya to eat with me and that she would like our viand.

 

Iya:  ano ulam?

Me:  Tinola. Masarap to may sabaw.

Iya: I like Tinola!   Meron bang sinigang?

Me:   =)